"neurotic"

I have this neurotic compulsion
when I'm not doing anything with my hands
I constantly pick and rip and tear and mutilate the
skin around my fingernails until bleeding and disfigured
I tear the hell out of my cuticles
my hands always have to be active or I go nuts
that's the reason I like to write

and sometimes when sales people call and I feel lonely
I will try to engage them in a very personal conversation
usually they hang up on me

I touch myself while watching infomercials

I go to the movies by myself sometimes and sit in the back row
I am always the first one in and the last one to leave
the clean up crew comes in to do its thing after the movie
they look at me like I'm insane
sitting there staring at a big, blank, white screen

I have a fear of heights, dogs, death, automobile crashes, cancer, and small framed blondes with beautiful smiles

I don't believe in god or foreplay

the other day I was walking in the grocery store and suddenly I felt
overwhelmed by the people around me
I fell into a panic attack right next to the dairy products
I left my cart full of products right there and drove home

I close the door to the bathroom every time
it doesn't matter if there's people around
people living with me
or if I'm taking a piss on the moon at 3 in the morning
I close and lock the door

I wake up in the middle of the night
half asleep, half awake
and I realize I'm writing poems inside my head
and it keeps me awake all night
but I can never remember any of the poems in the
morning

I may be in bed right now
writing this

but I'm afraid of beds
I sleep on the floor.

 

Nathan is twenty-five years old and was born, raised, and cultivated in the Mormon mecca of the world, Salt Lake City, Utah. He is not Mormon. Growing up and living in a conservative right-wing environment has geared his writing more towards the disassociated. He has a particular interest in writing involving isolated observation. His influences include: Bukowski, Henry Miller, Hemingway, Whitman, Ginsberg, Brautigan, Ferlinghetti, Thoreau, Isidore Ducasse (Lautreamont). Besides writing he enjoys reading, drawing, and any sport you can do with a beer can in your hand.