Ex-Boyfriend Stew

by Betty Oblivion
© 1999

hen you find yourself suddenly single, it is sometimes necessary to find closure by whipping up a pot of Ex-Boyfriend Stew. When the Ex leaves his apartment, preferably overnight, gather together the friends who were forced to listen to you whine about your relationship; they will be more than happy to see you put him in the past and move on.

Bring lots of alcohol, or better yet, drink your Ex's beer in the fridge. Remember to take the spare key he gave you so you could "surprise" him by cleaning his apartment. Don't worry about the neighbors, they have seen you come and go many times before and know you well. Inform them that you are getting some of your Ex's things because he was arrested for sexually molesting domesticated animals and that he will hopefully be returning soon. Tell them that though you don't understand his doggie-style lovin' that you are committed to him and will not judge his alternative sexual preference.

Once inside, start drinking right away as this helps make the process easier. The more wasted you are the more creative you may become with the ingredients. To make Ex-Boyfriend Stew, fill his bathtub halfway with hot water and add the following:

• The black silk boxers he wore the first night the two of you slept together. Shred well. Remind your friends how erotic it was to have that soft fabric rub against your bare stomach and how his hard dick popped out indiscreetly to meet you. Tell them it was really small, especially Ruthie who is a known gossip.
• Add the ripped out pages of "Leaves of Grass" by Whitman that he claimed to like to impress you. You gave him a copy for his birthday and he put it on a forgotten shelf. Have Harry do this step because he hates poetry too.
• Throw in the overalls he would wear around the house with nothing on beneath. Blend in the memory of how you would slip your hands inside and jerk him off until he would toss you on the bed and fuck you like an animal. Make sure to mention he came too fast. Give Ruthie another beer.
• Send Susan for wine coolers while you and the gang shell and halve his extensive cd collection. Stir in the iridescent sections for color.
• For froth, squirt in his entire bottle of Paul Mitchell shampoo. The smell will remind you of his dark hair running between your fingers, but you are stronger now and don't shed a tear. Have a Passion Fruit wine cooler.
• Turn all the love notes you left for him into brilliant confetti. With these missives out of his possession he will have no evidence of your once-upon-a-time feelings for him. Keep the poems you wrote to him, change the name and give them to the next boyfriend.
• Toss in the answering machine with the mysterious voice saying, "When are you free, Larry? Last night was so much fun. When are you going to break it off with that bitch?" Make sure to unplug it first.
• Optional Ingredient: The shirt he wore when he gave you the tried and true lets-just-be-friends speech and the watch he kept glancing at as he ended it over cappuccino.
• Stir well.

For added flavor, fill the bottom of his refrigerator with tuna fish. The smell will last longer than your relationship. Make an overseas call to Japan to check the time. Forget to hang up. Have another wine cooler, have two. Lie on his bed and cry drunkenly into his sheets complaining about how screwed over you were. Get sympathy from your friends who are not quite as drunk as you, except Ruthie. They will tell you that they still love you, but it isn't the same. Take one of every shoe and sock and put them in a bag and dump it in the trash on the way home. Have Harry drive because he didn't drink that much. Go out to a bar and continue drinking. Wake up next to your new boyfriend. Plan to make this one better than the last.

Serves six.