The Striking Similarities
Between the Chelsea Boy
and the Condé Nast Girl

(In Other Words, They're Both From Earth)

by David Toussaint
© 1998 

- 1 -
The Condé Nast Girl*, fresh out of school, must show a keen, sincere appreciation for the work; she must be affable, friendly, easy to get along with, and go out of her way to greet each fellow employee. After her first big job assignment or promotion, it is vital that she then learn to ignore these people.

The Chelsea Boy**, fresh out of the Midwest, must confront and acknowledge with his friends his agonizing past of discrimination, homophobia and exclusion. After his first share at Fire Island, or upon receiving a Twilo Gold Card, it is vital that he then learn to exclude everyone else.
 
 

- 2 -
No matter how much money she makes, and no matter how large the trust fund, the Condé Nast Girl is always broke. She does, however, have unlimited funds for Sample Sales and new shoes.

No matter how much money he makes, The Chelsea Boy is always too broke to pay the Visa bill. He does, however, have unlimited funds for clubbing on weekends, expensive, fashionable drugs, and full shares on Fire Island.
 
 

- 3 -
The Chelsea Boy prides himself on knowing he has made it with every other Chelsea Boy. He also prides himself on knowing everyone else has no recollection of making it with him.

The Condé Nast Girl prides herself on knowing she has made it on her talent, hard work, and determination. She also prides herself on knowing that everyone else has made it on the mattress.
 
 

- 4 -
The Condé Nast Girl avoids excessive amounts of alcohol as it has been medically proven to cause serious heath problems, impairs one's judgment at social functions, and reduces the overall productivity rate so imperative in the work force.

The Chelsea Boy avoids excessive amounts of alcohol as it is fattening.
 
 

- 5 -
To keep her reputation intact, The Condé Nast Girl never sleeps with the man she is dating.

To keep his reputation intact, The Chelsea Boy never dates the man he is sleeping with.
 
 

- 6 -
The Condé Nast Girl is an avid reader of The Observer because, unlike the slanted New York Times, it is honest, truthful, and full of insightful information.

The Chelsea Boy is an avid reader of H/X because unlike the slanted New York Times you can read it in its entirety in-between sets at the gym.
 
 

- 7 -
The Condé Nast Girl takes umbrage and immediately corrects the speaker when she is referred to as a "girl" and not a "woman."

The Chelsea Boy does not take umbrage or immediately correct the speaker when he is referred to as a "boy" and not a "man." This is only because The Chelsea boy has no idea what the word umbrage means.
 
 

- 8 -
When encountering another Chelsea Boy, it is appropriate to kiss, hug, and compliment him on his appearance, even if you detest, despise and feel nothing but sheer loathing toward this person.

When encountering another Condé Nast Girl, it is appropriate to kiss, hug and compliment her on her appearance, especially if you detest, despise, and feel nothing but sheer loathing toward this person.
 
 

- 9 -
The Condé Nast Girl always travels in packs of five or more, as opinion dictates it makes her appear more desirable, popular, and inaccessible.

The Chelsea Boy always travels in packs of five or more, as it is much easier to form an opinion when you've got others to help you.
 
 

- 10 -
The Condé Nast Girl is an avid reader of women's fashion magazines as they illustrate the importance of cardiovascular exercise, as solid workout routine, and good nutrition.

The Chelsea Boy is an avid reader of men's fashion magazines as they illustrate other beautiful men.
 
 

- 11 -
The Condé Nast Girl will scratch, crawl, and do whatever she has to in order to make it to the top.

The Chelsea Boy will scratch, crawl, and do whatever he has to in order to make it with a top.
 
 

- 12 -
The Chelsea Boy's three favorite words are "Fire Island Pines!"

The Condé Nast Girl's three favorite words are "Fire the Bitch!"
 


* An important note for female readers: If you hail from the West Coast or have attended a J.C., you are not a Condé Nast Girl, regardless of the fact that you might work for Condé Nast. Please consult Time/Warner for further instruction.

** An important note for male readers: If you are highly opinionated or have never attended a circuit party, you are not a Chelsea Boy, regardless of the fact that you might live in Chelsea. Please consult a Michelangelo Signorile tome for further instruction.

 
As a freelance editor for Condé Nast and a resident of Chelsea, David Toussaint considers himself both a Chelsea Boy and a Condé Nast Girl.


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