homas
Birch sat at his tidy desk on the thirteenth floor of the tidy office
building of the tidy insurance company known as Friendly Insurance.
Friendly Insurance primarily does business in the tidy town of Edgeville,
Indiana, and they conduct their business in as tidy a way as possible.
Thomas was tidying some papers when his boss, Mr. Hornsnoot, entered
and handed him a tidy pink slip of paper which tidily read, "you're
fired." Thomas tidied his things, tidily opened his window, and jumped
tidily, leaving an incredibly untidy pile of Thomas on the otherwise
tidy front lawn of Friendly Insurance. It would be tidy if the story
ended there, but as it turns out, reality isn't always as tidy as
we would like it to be.
As Thomas fell thirteen floors he thought about his mother, his wife,
his children, and life in general, and decided he should have taken
this trip a long time ago. When he hit the ground, the world went
black, then blue, the green, then plaid, then flattering vertical
stripes, and finally black again. Thomas was quite surprised to find
himself alive after a fall like that, and even more surprised to find
that he was in no pain at all. He opened his eyes and took a look
at himself. "There's not a scratch or bruise on me anywhere!" he said
out loud.
"Of course not, you're dead," came the reply from the creature in
front of him. It brought its lumbering, dragon-like body closer and
Thomas could clearly see the annoyed expression on its goat-shaped
head.
"That would make sense," said Thomas, getting up and brushing some
brimstone off his pants.
"Welcome to Hell," said the creature, "I'll be your tormentor for
eternity."
"Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you," said Thomas, extending his
hand.
The creature looked at Thomas curiously and said, "Don't you want
to cry or maybe beg your god for forgiveness? You know, it's hard
to mock your god if you don't call to him."
"Sorry, I was never much into religion," said Thomas. "I guess I
can beg a little if you really need me to. Oh, please, Mr. Goat Dragon…please
have mercy on me!"
"Don't patronize me!" roared the demon. "I'm Feezelbub the Blasphemer,
and I was tormenting souls before you were even a twinkle in creation's
eye."
"Well, I don't feel very tormented yet," said Thomas. "In fact, this
is rather quite entertaining. There's actually an afterlife! Wow,
I really lost that bet."
Feezelbub stared and sighed. He moved a claw to his horned forehead
and said, "Look Thomas, you're giving me a headache. Just play your
part and eternity will be over before you know it."
"I'll try to be more cooperative," said Thomas.
"Okay then," said Feezelbub, "let's have a look at your file. Hmm…
atheist… had all your shots… got sent to the principal's office once
in the third grade… ah, here it is. Your eternal torment is… crap,
somebody spilled some coffee on here."
"Come on, don't keep me in suspense," said Thomas, "I don't have
all day."
"Well, it seems we've lost your eternal torment. I have no idea what
circle of Hell you've been condemned to," said Feezelbub, scratching
himself nervously.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to visit Satanicus the Duplicator and
see if he has the original copy of your file."
"That's just great," muttered Thomas. "A man goes through all the
trouble of dying and they can't even be bothered to torment him properly.
It's false advertising if you ask me."
"Look, I'm very sorry," said Feezelbub. "I'll tell you what. You
go ahead and hang out back on earth for a while and I'll straighten
this whole thing out. Think of it as another chance at life."
"But…but…I don't want to go back! Why do you think I committed suicide
in the first place?" asked Thomas.
"Think of it as a second chance at life. And don't worry, I'll get
this matter straightened up as soon as possible and we can finally
get down to some serious tormenting. It shouldn't take more than a
thousand years or so." Feezelbub shook his tail and sneezed, and Thomas
was instantly transported back to earth.
"A thousand years!" screamed Thomas, but Feezelbub was nowhere in
sight. He looked around and realized he was back in his office.
Mr. Hornsnoot walked in and gave Thomas a strange look. "Back from
the dead, eh? Well, that shows real team spirit, Tom. Tell you what,
you can have your old job back. Now get to work!" Then he walked out
of the room.
Thomas looked around at his tidy little office and cried. He was
no longer an atheist, he now had faith that someday, even if it took
a thousand years, he would receive his salvation from this reality
and be returned to that wonderful plane called Hell. Then he suddenly
realized the truth. Feezelbub was just playing with him. He was already
being tormented, and it would go on for all eternity. Thomas sighed
and made a mental note to pick up a gallon of milk on his way home
from work like his wife asked him, then he got back to work.
[END]
