he first thing you have to remember is that you are sixteen and he is forty-eight. This age difference is significant, not only in the legal premise of statutory rape, but it also plays a large role in the underlining power struggle that will come to define your relationship. He has the upper hand, though he’ll humor you by allowing you to think that you do.

He likes you because you are different from other girls your age. He tells you it’s because you have an old soul. You’re intelligent and mature enough not to rat him out, but you lack the common sense not to get involved with him in the first place. But most of all, he likes you because your body is still tight and perky in all the important places.

You are attracted to him because you think he treats his students as equals, because he treats you as an equal. He is funny and brilliant. He wears suits in the classroom and jeans in the lab. And even though he is pushing fifty, he is in your opinion, gorgeous. He’s short, almost eye level to you. This can be helpful when you are trying to determine if he’s lying, but a hindrance when you want to have sex on the countertop in the back room. He breaks up fights in the hallway, not because he’s concerned for the safety of the students, but just because he likes to mix it up. He is a Democrat and a Jehovah’s Witness. He’s the reason why you are now a Democrat, and also why you believe all religions are phony.

When the two of you are alone you can call him Daniel, but in the presence of other students or teachers, you have to call him Mr. Burns. If you do slip and call him Daniel in front of someone, he’ll give you a stern look, and remind you about it later. He makes jokes with sexual innuendo and finds little ways to touch you whenever you’re together.

On Friday, you sit in his classroom for hours after school under the façade of helping him grade papers. You listen to him talk about the pond he is planning to put in the conservatory, and you wonder how anyone could be this passionate about something as boring as plants, but his passion only makes you want him more.

He’ll walk into the back storage room and you’ll follow, swinging the door closed behind you. The room is completely dark and smells of insecticides. It is the most unromantic environment imaginable, yet you will still find a poetic beauty in the grime covered sink, and the moldy Petri-dishes in the refrigerator. He will take you for two minutes against the cold cement wall and for five minutes on the counter. You moan softly in his ear, but you don’t really mean it. You notice the thin line of sweat that forms on his upper lip as he pumps away. He is not as agile as he used to be but you don’t mind, your only frame of reference is a clumsy sixteen year old who couldn’t find your G-spot with a flashlight and a stick.

After it’s over he’ll drive you home. He isn’t cold to you but he isn’t warm either. He runs his hand along your thigh for the duration of the ride, but he doesn’t kiss you goodbye. Don’t be hurt by this, or if you are, don’t show it. It will only remind him of how young you are.

When you get home, you have a couple of calls to make. Your mom works two jobs, so you don’t worry that she will overhear you. You don’t tell anyone except your best girlfriend who tells you how cool and grown up your affair is. “He is so hot!” she’ll say and she’ll make a joke about you letting her join in, which you don’t find funny. You will also tell your ex-boyfriend, who you know is crazy with jealousy but still thinks he loves you enough not to tell anyone else.

When you see Daniel on Monday, act like nothing happened. But, Monday is three days away. Over the weekend hang out with your friends. Answer their questions about the sex. Don’t answer the ones about your feelings toward him.

When he sees you next, he will be nervous that the crazy-fog has lifted, and you’ve realized your mistake. Once he is confident that you haven’t told, he’ll smile at you and ask if you want to help him plant some Orchids outside. Say yes. He’ll write your French teacher a note to get you out of class. Once you’re out in the conservatory, hidden by the thicket of trees, he’ll broach the subject. “If this is going to continue, we have to be careful,” he’ll say, “It could get us both in a lot of trouble.” But that’s all bullshit. It would get him in a lot of trouble, you would be the poor victim, seduced by his evil charms. Still, tell him you understand, and you’ll be discreet.

Before long he’ll invite you over to his house. If he invites other students over, you should expect that his wife will be there too and all of you will work in their greenhouse. This is so that when he invites you alone he can say that he has students over at his house all the time and it is nothing out of the ordinary. His wife will ask you if you have a boyfriend. Note his nervous twitch, then tell her no. She will ask what your plans are after high school. Say you haven’t decided yet. This is all wife code for trying to figure out if you are sleeping with her husband. Ignore it. The last thing you want is to start feeling sorry for this woman.

The next time he invites you over his wife will not be there. He won’t invite you into his bed. Instead he’ll take you for three minutes on his lime green, polyester couch then he’ll stop because he doesn’t have a condom. Remember to bring a condom. When it’s over ask if you can use his shower. Don’t bother asking him to join you, he is no longer feeling playful. He’ll look at his watch and tell you to hurry. Take your time.

When you walk into his classroom and he is guiding Sara Brooks out of the backroom, his hand in the small of her back, give him a dirty look but don’t say anything. After she is gone, he’ll tell you she is storing some bulbs in there. Roll your eyes and quip, “Is that what you kids are calling these days.” Let him know that you’re young and you lack common sense, but you’re not stupid. Make sure he catches you embracing your ex-boyfriend in the hallway outside his classroom. Resist the urge to knock the shit out of Sara Brooks in the cafeteria when she smirks at you. Get your best girlfriend to do it instead.

One day you and Daniel are alone in the conservatory on a sunny day in May. You sit at a picnic table watching him dig his pond. He wipes the back of his hand across his forehead, smearing a spot of dirt on his skin. You’re amazed at how tanned and muscular his arms are. You’ll have to bite your lip to keep from laughing aloud at the mental image of the first time you saw him naked, a farmer tan on his arms and legs, his Dockers and tighty-whities bunched around his ankles. He notices you watching him and tells you how pretty you look sitting there in the sun. At this moment, you’ll be tempted to tell him that you love him. Don’t. If you do, don’t be surprised when he tells you that you’re to young to be in love. When he does, you’ll be tempted to ask him why you’re old enough to fuck him but not old enough to love him. Your vulgar display will make him uneasy enough to end this relationship. If that is what you want, go for it. The look on his face will be well worth it. But if you aren’t ready to end it just yet, ignore your hurt feelings and anger. Pretend nothing happened, and never say that again.

Over the summer, you get your drivers license. He works all summer. Go see him once in July because the building will be nearly empty, and because you’ll miss his…smile. He will be happy to see you. He will talk to you about the lily pads he is planting in the pond, and about your upcoming senior year. He’ll buy you lunch from Wendy’s. He never was a big spender. Then you’ll take him for six minutes on the counter in the back room, and for ten minutes on the grass next to the pond. He is really happy to see you. After it’s over he will ask you to come back tomorrow. Say you will, then don’t.

Don’t talk to him again until school lets back in. Tell him about the guy that you met over the summer. He says that he is happy you met someone, but his eyes tell you he is hurt. Don’t acknowledge this, he won’t. Visit him often, you still believe he is your friend, and he is always happy to see you. You may find yourself plagued with the urge to stay after school and help him grade papers. However, this urge will be squashed when you realize that Sara Brooks has become his new paper grader, and while the extra help might be fun for him, you would just feel crowded.

On your graduation day, he will come and find you. You’ll be standing in a remote corner of the gymnasium with your ex-boyfriend, who has recently dropped the ‘ex’ in his title. He’ll excuse himself to give the two of you some privacy. Daniel will hug you and tell you how proud he is of you and everything you’ve done. He’ll playfully tug at your tassel and then tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. He will try to apologize for his indiscretions with you, but won’t be able to find the words. Take his hand and tell him you have no regrets, even though in the future you could probably write a book about all the regrets you have.

He is a teacher, however, and he has taught you more than you ever expected. He taught you about life, and about how sexy an Orchid can be. He has taught you about power and control, and shown you the difference between love and sex. You learned to live with disappointment. But most importantly he has shown you that when it comes to countertop sex, it is important that you date someone whose height coordinates with your own.

 

[END]

© 2004 Heather McFall - Contributor's Bio